Behar-Bechukotai

The meeting in the synagogue was getting heated. The week of Behar-Bechukotai [Torah weekly portions] was approaching, and the curses of the Tochacha [Reproof Section] and the gruesome details are enough to send a shudder up anyone’s spine, and so, many men are reluctant to be called to the Torah for that portion.

Someone has to do it, so the job often falls to the Ba’al Korei [reader] or the Gabbai [synagogue leader]

But in one particular synagogue, everyone seemed to have had his share of bad luck, and no one wanted the honor. And so the Wednesday before the fateful Shabbat a meeting was called. “I will not take the Tochacha this year!” shouted the Gabbai. Two weeks after the previous year’s aliya[section of the torah reading] it was kaput[all fell apart]! And, he added for the curious and equally eager congregants, “I’m not going to elaborate!”

“It is time we gave it to the Rabbi”

The Rabbi demurred. “If you look at my contract, it says I get Shlishi [third section] every week. The Tochacha is in the fifth aliya, I am exempt” He smiled.

The shammash [beadle] stormed up. “Don’t expect me to get called for the Tochacha. It’s not going to happen. My job is to tidy up the shul [synagogue] and make sure everything is in order. I won’t stand up there and hear the curses of the Tochacha“.

The men were about to cancel the minyan [quorum] for that shabbat when an eldery gentleman spoke up in the back. “If you pay me fifty dollars, I’ll take the Tochacha.”

There was silence, and then in unison all heads nodded. The men have never met this stranger, but he was their salvation. They told him when davening [prayers] began, and he said he would see them that shabbat.

Shabbat came, and the chazzan began, but the old man was not there. It came time to take out the Torah, and he was still not there. The Rabbi decided to speak before laining [Torah reading] -just to stall a little bit.

They started reading the Torah -very slowly. It was not until the fourth aliya that the old man burst into the shul, panting. He made it!He got his aliya, but as soon as he stepped off the Bimah [prayer platform] the Gabbai cornered him. “Do you know how much you scared us? Where were you?”

 The old man replied, “You think a Jew can make a living from just one Tochacha?”!!!!!